As Seen on TV/transcript (2024)

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"Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's 'stolen Krabby Patties.'"

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "As Seen on TV" from season 3, which aired on March 8, 2002.

  • [Mr. Krabs’ pet worm Mr. Doodles is sniffing some coral.]
  • Mr. Krabs: C'mon, Mr. Doodles. [pulls Mr. Doodles away, choking him briefly] We haven't got all day. We've gotta get down to me favorite restaurant. Mine. Where we're shootin’ our first ever Krusty Krab commercial. After this commercial airs, we'll be swarmin’ with customers. I can already feel myself sweatin' money.
  • [Mr. Doodles barks.]
  • Mr. Krabs: No, I got Squidward organizin’ the whole thing. He's... y’know... artsy. [sees something he does not like] What the...? This looks expensive. Out of my way. Comin’ through. Move it or lose it. Squidward!
  • Squidward: [descending] What?
  • Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is goin’ on?
  • Squidward: We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: What you're doin’ is throwin’ away me money! I told you to rent, only what is absolutely necessary.
  • Squidward: This is all necessary.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well what's all this useless junk? [the junk is shown]
  • Squidward: That's the useless junk for scene, uh, 28.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, well, then how do you explain that? [Pointing to 2 Krusty Krabs] A second Krusty Krab?
  • Squidward: Mr. Krabs, everyone needs an understudy. [showing Mr. Krabs' double]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, you got me there. But why do we need him? [pointing to a clown]
  • Squidward: This job gets very stressful, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: [to the commercial crew] All right, get lost, all of ya! [everyone leaves angrily] You're fired! Go on! Scram! Get outta here, ya moochers. That's right, keep movin’.
  • Incidental: You know what? You know what? Yeah.
  • Mr. Krabs: [stops the clown from leaving] Except you. You stay.
  • [The clown smiles and a horn honks.]
  • Squidward: Well, this is just great. Now we've got no crew to make the commercial.
  • Mr. Krabs: What are you talkin’ about, Squidward? We got the cheapest crew in the world. You, me, and SpongeBob. Speakin’ of which, where is the little barnacle?
  • SpongeBob: [muffled, as his nose pokes from underground] I'm down here, sir.
  • Mr. Krabs: What are you doin’, lad?
  • SpongeBob: Squidward said I could help by burying myself!
  • Mr. Krabs: Quit foolin’ and come on out. [pulls SpongeBob out] I need you to be in the commercial.
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Me? In the Krusty Krab commercial? Me! [we see a background of him smiling ecstatically]
  • Squidward: But, but, but, but, but, but, but...
  • Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob is still smiling] Don't throw your buts at me, Mr. Squidward. We got a timetable to keep. This thing airs tonight.
  • SpongeBob and Squidward: Tonight?!
  • Mr. Krabs: Yup, I got a sweet deal on a prime-time slot.
  • French Narrator: [Time Card]: 3:28 am.
  • SpongeBob: It's almost on, Gary. [Gary yawns] Yeah, I got butterflies, too. This is the most exciting thing to happen in the history of history. [the TV displays a wild west show, then shows the KK commercial] Look, Gary! It's on! [the commercial starts]
  • Pearl: [as Amy] Oh, Jen. I've got a real problem.
  • Squidward: [as Jen] What's your problem, Amy?
  • Pearl: [as Amy, holding a wad of cash in her flippers] I've got all this money and I don't know what to do with it and I'm hungry.
  • [Mr. Krabs is laughing offscreen]
  • Pearl: [as Amy] Who's there?
  • Squidward: [as Jen] Where's that coming from?
  • [Purple smoke appears, revealing Mr. Krabs]
  • Amy and Jen: Yippee, it's Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: That's right, Amy. I heard all about your little problem and I'm here to help. Follow... me!
  • [Transitions to the Krusty Krab]
  • Amy and Jen: Where are we?
  • Mr. Krabs: Why, we're at none other than the Krusty Krab.
  • Amy: Did you say Krusty Krab?
  • Mr. Krabs: That's right, Krusty Krab. Home of the world famous Krabby Patty!
  • Jen: What's a Krabby Patty?
  • [Mr. Krabs' jaw drops, the camera zooms in and out, and a bouncing spring noise plays]
  • Mr. Krabs: Why, it's only the most mouthwaterin’, appetizin’ food in the seven seas.
  • SpongeBob: [he is shown from the neck down at the grill, holding the spatula with a patty on the grill] There I am, Gary! There I am!
  • Mr. Krabs: [the ingredients appear on the bun as he says this] We start with a fresh patty, grilled and juicy. Add some crisp undersea veggies and cheese. Topped off with secret sauce and some buns. Voila! A Krabby Patty.
  • Amy: I want a Krabby Patty.
  • Jen: Me, too.
  • Mr. Krabs: How do you like them Krabby Patties, girls? [laughs]
  • Amy and Jen: [give a thumbs up as they are eating]
  • [Mr. Krabs is still laughing]
  • SpongeBob: [His hat is showing through the order window as Krabs puts his claw up to look like he’s holding up two fingers] Look, Gary, there I am again. Look!
  • Mr. Krabs: Two more satisfied customers. So why don't you come on in, and have yourself a Krabby Patty today.
  • All: [words appear on screen] ♪ The Krusty Krab: Come Spend Your Money Here! ♪
  • [commercial ends]
  • SpongeBob: That was the best 60 seconds of my life! Well, time for bed. [cut to the clam rooster crowing. SpongeBob wakes up and the alarm goes off] Time to go do my favorite thing at my favorite place. [humming]
  • Old Man Jenkins: Hey, you!
  • SpongeBob: Top of the mornin’, oldster.
  • Old Man Jenkins: Hey! I saw you on TV last night. [cut to flashback showing that Old Man Jenkins was actually watching a bran flakes commercial and saw the yellow box]
  • Announcer: New, Bran Flakes. Bold, new taste. Bran Flakes.
  • SpongeBob: You did?
  • Old Man Jenkins: Yeah. You were on a commercial.
  • SpongeBob: You're right! Wow, he recognized me.
  • Old Man Jenkins: Yup. See ya later, Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box.
  • SpongeBob: [talking to himself] "Weren't you that guy on TV?" Yes! I am that guy. [laughs] How kind of you to notice. Weren't you that guy on the television last night? Yes, that was me. I... [bumps into Nat Peterson]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, please excuse me, sir.
  • Nat Peterson: [reading SpongeBob’s nametag] Oh, that's quite all right, uhh, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Wow. I'm getting recognized all over. Why, next thing ya know, people are gonna start doing things like holding doors open for... [gasps as Nat opens the door to enter the restaurant] Why, sir, I'm flattered.
  • Nat Peterson: [waving his flipper up and down in front of his face] Really? I don't smell anything.
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] You're on your way, kid!
  • Fred: Excuse me, sir, can I get a napkin?
  • SpongeBob: Why, of course, good sir. And next time, feel free to approach me. It most be so degrading to ask from across the room. And who am I making this bad boy out to?
  • Fred: [sarcastically] To my tail fin. I'll get it myself. [gets up and walks away]
  • SpongeBob: F-I-N. There we are, darling. Hmph. Shyness got the best of him.
  • Squidward: There you are, SpongeBob. I need you to...
  • SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward. I got one already made out. Enjoy.
  • Squidward: [holding a napkin reading, "To my tailfin; Love, SpongeBob] To my tailfin? [checks to see if he has one]
  • SpongeBob: Yes, I am that guy on TV.
  • Tyler: [walking up to the condiment table with his friend] Hey, look!
  • SpongeBob: Please, good people, no photos at work.
  • Tyler: Here's the ketchup. [squirts ketchup on his Krabby Patty]
  • SpongeBob: Well, maybe just one. [poses] Another one? Okay. Limbo. [limboes under the mop] And now, the, uh, oh, I got it.
  • Mr. Krabs: There you are, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Jet pilot.
  • Mr. Krabs: Now I need you to... [SpongeBob spins the mop like an airplane propeller and hits him] ...Ow! [his claw breaks] Alright, boy. Get in there and scrub the head and stop actin’ so predictable.
  • SpongeBob: I'm so misunderstood. Alas, good people, even the brightest of stars grow weary, and I am no exception. But I will shine again after a quick break in my quarters. Stay beautiful. [we cut to Dale and Lou in the restroom]
  • Dale: Hey, were you able to catch Glandy McPinkfish on Flounderman last night?
  • Lou: No. How was he?
  • Dale: Well, I knew that this guy's acting was good, but his singing was phenomenal. [SpongeBob is listening to their conversation while cleaning a urinal] I'm tellin’ you, Vendor, if that guy was to cut a solo record, he'd be a hit. [both close stall doors]
  • SpongeBob: [pupils change into stars as he wipes the inside of the urinal] Solo record!
  • [In Mr. Krabs' office, where he's writing a resignation notice]
  • Mr. Krabs: So, if I fire him and make his successor do twice the work, and... [knock on door] ...eh, come in. [in walks SpongeBob and poses like a model] Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob. Those heads better be beautiful.
  • SpongeBob: They are, Mr. Krabs, and so is mine. And now I gotta lay somethin’ on ya, Krabs baby.
  • Mr. Krabs: The only thing you better lay is some patties on the grill, Fry Boy.
  • SpongeBob: Nah, I can't take that gig, Krabber. That phase in my career is over. I'm an entertainer now.
  • Mr. Krabs: What in blazes are you talkin’ about?
  • SpongeBob: Come on, Krabs. Let's think outside the box for a second. Commercials are old-hat. The people want music. If I could change fate I would, Krabsy. And I'm an entertainer deep down. A people's person. We're on the same page here, aren't we?
  • [Mr. Krabs briefly stares at SpongeBob dumbfounded, his eyes inflated to a comically large size]
  • Mr. Krabs: Boy, those Krabby fumes must've gotten to your head. Borrow Squidward's gas mask and get right back to work.
  • SpongeBob: [snaps fingers twice] I knew you'd understand. Well, thanks for the start. I'm outta here. [snaps his fingers outside his office]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oooooh... I've never felt such a strange combination of pity... and indigestion. [goes back to writing notice]
  • [SpongeBob continues snapping his fingers as he walks out, then is stopped by a crowd of angry customers]
  • Bill: There he is! Hey! We've been waiting for you.
  • Nazz: Where have you been? [SpongeBob makes an O-shaped mouth wiggling]
  • Bill: How long are you going to keep us standing here?
  • Squidward: Well, SpongeBob? Are you just gonna stand there like a half-wit, mouth agape? Or are you gonna fill these peoples' orders?
  • SpongeBob: Pipe down, Squidward. This crowd looks angry. They're not gonna wait any longer. I think I better give them what they need, and fast.
  • Squidward: I think so, too, or Krabs will fire both of us. [smiling] On second thought, keep 'em waiting.
  • SpongeBob: No can do, Squidward. These people demand entertainment.
  • Squidward: Enter-what?!
  • [SpongeBob grabs the order microphone]
  • SpongeBob: How you doin’, folks?
  • All: Hungry!
  • SpongeBob: That's no problem, ladies and germs. 'Cause SpongeBob is here to satisfy. [turns down light's dimness]
  • Squidward: Hey!
  • Bill: [to his friend] Eating here was your idea.
  • SpongeBob: I'd like to call this little number "Striped Sweater." ♪ The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time. One with a collar, turtleneck, [pinches Bill’s sweater. Bill is staring angrily at him] that's the kind [screeching] 'Cause when you're wearing... ♪[light turns back on; all yelling]
  • Bill: We're starving!
  • SpongeBob: ♪ That one... special... sweater... ♪ [yelling continues] Squidward, this crowd is insatiable.
  • Squidward: Then why don't you go back in the kitchen, and grab some patties, and give them what they came here for?!
  • SpongeBob: Juggling! Thanks, Squiddy. [crowd is booing]
  • Nancy: Is this some kind of joke?!
  • SpongeBob: They want juggling and jokes at the same time? Tough crowd. [juggling patties]
  • Bill: Oh, now what's he doing?
  • SpongeBob: Uh, what do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank? A cab!
  • Bill: We're losing our appetites!
  • SpongeBob: Uh, okay. There's a nun, an astronaut, and a hairdryer.
  • All: We want patties!
  • SpongeBob: Well, the most I can juggle is three, but the show must go on. Whoa! [slips on grease and patties flip in the air]
  • [In slow motion, cut between SpongeBob slipping, the patties flying, and the crowd booing at the ordering window; the same sequence is shown again before SpongeBob is shown.]
  • SpongeBob: Noooooooooooo!!!!! [in his head] My career is over. All those years clawing my way up. All the people I've stepped on, wasted.
  • [The patties land on the grill; normal speed resumes as the crowd smiles]
  • Bill: Hey! Finally!
  • Nancy: That's what we've been waiting for!
  • SpongeBob: [dotted lines form from his eyes to point to patty] They seem to like it when I put this patty on the grill. I may be able to save this act, yet! Roll with it, SpongeBob. Roll with it. There's more where that came from, folks! [puts a ton of patties on the grill]
  • All: Yay!
  • SpongeBob: You like that?!
  • Bill: It's what we wanted all along!
  • SpongeBob: [thinking] It's working! But how do I follow it up? Think on your feet, SpongeBob, it'll get you this far. [notices a bag of buns on the table] Buns! [speaking] It's a stretch, but we've all gotta try to push the envelope sometime! [shakes the buns out of the sack] Okay, folks, how do you like this? [flips patties inside buns]
  • All: Yeah!
  • SpongeBob: I'm breaking new ground. Time to get edgy!
  • Customers: We want onions! Cheese! Yay!
  • SpongeBob: Ready for the grand finale? [customers ready their trays as SpongeBob throws their Krabby Patties at their respective trays. Squidward is shown sleeping]
  • All: Whoopee! Krabby Patties! [Squidward wakes up as Mr. Krabs exits his office]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, looks like you've finally found your calling. [gives SpongeBob his hat back]
  • SpongeBob: I'll say. [flips a patty that stays in midair] I'm so glad I gave up fry cooking for this.
  • [Screen cuts to black, ending episode]

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